Labels and Definitions

Never been one for either really, albeit there was a time when that was wanted, maybe even needed. They can be both a help and hindrance, supposedly, given you a spot in life, a niche or group to fill it or fit with.

Pushed too far tho, you’ll end up the cliche.

Supposing a lot of people have them as a badge of sorts as well, not to just self identify by protect their group/herd/clique/pack/tribe/etc.

There are some of these items that are immovable and won’t change or go away, others that will wear down with time and be replaced by others.

Over the course of an entire lifetime, events will change you, and you end up being someone completely different.

The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.” -Anonymous

But times change and so must I. We all change, when you think about it. We are all different people all through our lives and that’s okay, that’s good you’ve got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. – Dr Who (Eleven)

Find a blank book

It doesn’t have to be expensive, fancy or large, but find a blank book.

But find a blank book.

Then find a spot to sit, anywhere is good, but a place none the less to think.

Bring music, bring coffee, bring a friend if you really need that too.

But find a blank book.

Here’s the hard part, you’re not going to write about fiction, or fact.

Truths or Lies.

You’re just going to look at yourself, and this part is going to be oh so difficult.

You need to write down all your hopes, challenges and dreams.

The negatives, the failures, the ugly.

Just make sure the book is blank when you start.

Write it all out, take minutes, hours, days.

But not weeks or months, just keep writing.

Kill a few pens, kill a few more.

And then when you have it all down.

Then, and only then, start making a plan to change what you don’t like.

Because everyone changes, whether you realize it or not, whether you keep track or not.

The only difference is, are you surviving, or thriving.

Growing, or receding.

That’s on you.

Just find a blank book.

Writing

Writing used to come very easy to me, pages upon pages of words, either for school essays, or just views/musings about so many different topics. Over the last few years, that little spark or muse has gone away, and this and the last time re-starting my website, I can’t seem to get back to where I’m inspired, or have any words to spill out. Unsure of what exactly killed off that ability, still feels there’s parts of it there, just can’t seem to re-start it into a good large fire again.

Used to read a lot more as well, about a wide range of topics; programming, philosophy, music, history, and whatever else I could digest. Hours and hours were spent just learning about things, and then during that spending time sharing some of my experiences, but overall most of it kept in my own head.

Part of keeping it all away is/was my shyness of feeling unable to express anything correctly, but also a fear that what I’m sharing isn’t interesting to anyone other then myself. Both of those things have grown more and more over the years, to a point where I rarely express any views on anything really. It’s not that I don’t keep up with the world and events around me, more just that I assume my viewpoint isn’t interesting or needed.

There’s also the issue of never learning how to hold a discussion that can/will get ‘heated’, the moment it does, I just shut down and assume somehow that I’m wrong/etc. The topic can be anything really, but just any time the discussion becomes more passionate, my brain just turns off.

Writing used to be more automatic, could literally just sit own and write without really thinking about it, and just let it all spil out. Feels almost forced now, not in a negative way, but that I have to somehow ‘push’ my brain to work out the words.

Maybe just rusty?

Muscle Memory

Been around long enough, that the original NES, was the first video game console my family ever owned, bought in Edmonton at a Toys and Wheels. Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, and Donkey Kong Jr., were the first games we got.

As a family we’d play that thing for hours, laughing and hollering at the tv, and just having fun together.

Played Donkey Kong last night for a few mins, still rememeber how to pass the levels with ease.

But it also brought back so many fond memories of a family together.

Moments

There’s a lot of energy spent throughout ones day, just dealing with the every day parts of life; getting up, eating, showering, dressing, going to work, etc. The amount of it per day ebbs and flows, never the same at any one given point, or the same total sum per day either. Some moments weigh and cost nothing at all, while others take such a withdrawal out of you, that you’re left with not much else other then a weightless feeling of your own body. One single moment, at any given time, of any given day, can just leave you feeling weightless. Not numb or unfeeling, just … heavy as a feather falling on the breeze. Some people have larger reserves and others less, there’s erratic levels and stable as well. In all of those moments, take the same one and give it to two different persons, and both would end up with different views and reactions.

Been a long time.

On and off, I’ve had a website on the Internet since around nineteen-ninety-seven, and from hand coded, to auto generated, there’s been quite a few iterations. Up until about 5 months or so ago, there was a previous blog hosted here, not much was said, seldom posts made, and eventually I just stopped paying for it, and it went away. There’s been an itching over the past few weeks to get a site re-started, at the very least start writing again, but push towards (and run past) a goal of pushing back into coding and some design.

But at the very least, I’ve got a spot to post up longer chunks of thoughts, on the random topics that stream in and out of my head, like bubbles popping in a can, making you think there’s an alien trying to communicate from another dimension.